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徘徊死亡边缘

14 Aug

:: 播放音樂

所謂「愛美是女人的天性」,它帶給我的卻是一個無盡的痛苦深淵。

十五歲那年,我深受電視劇、電影、娛樂雜誌的影響,追隨潮流,認為高挑是唯一的審美標準。其實身為運動員的我一直保持健康體重,卻因錯誤的價值觀使我不理會身高、骨骼等因素,盲目地追求越輕越好,沒有盡頭。每天關心的是體重的增減,心情也隨著體重起起落落。

跟很多人一樣,我選擇了最不利於健康的減肥方法——儘量不吃東西。其實人體若長期得不到足夠的營養,反而更容易積蓄脂肪,引起發胖。而且嚴重影響身體各方面的健康,帶來更多的麻煩。這包括容易衰老、記憶力衰退、暴食症、厭食症、胃病、影響生育、抑鬱症等等。我也完全不理會小時候老師教導我們的基本健康原則:「早睡又早起、早飯吃得好、午飯吃得飽、晚飯吃得少、營養要均衡、六到八杯水、運動不能少、心情要顧好」。

年幼無知的我,一步步越陷越深,時常挨餓,情緒低落。那一年正是要應付繁重的功課,準備初中會考的時候,成績直接影響是否能上理科班。可是,我就是沒辦法專心讀書,總是感到疲倦,卻不知是減肥不當造成的。在壓力和長期挨餓的折磨中,我患了暴食症,心情一差就能吃下很多東西,結果越減越肥,使我充滿挫敗感和失落感。

那年我和父母搬了新家,離開了熟悉的生活環境和鄰居好朋友,身為獨女的我經常覺得好孤單。我從小學三年級開始戴眼鏡,又因為頭髮是自來卷,亂糟糟的,被同學取笑長得醜,因此很自卑。減肥對身心的影響,讀書的壓力,再加上自小積累的自卑感和越來越重的孤獨感,使我有了輕生的念頭。

有一個夜晚,我因一件事生父母的氣,就偷偷從藥箱拿了一瓶藥丸,不記得吃了幾顆,就去睡覺。半夜全身極其難受,只好向父母求助。我感到忽冷忽熱,全身顫抖,後來進入昏迷,家人趕緊把我送入醫院搶救。昏迷中隱隱約約聽到家人對我的呼喚,用盡辦法讓我能醒過來。記得醒來以後直到出院後的幾天,我還是無法正常走路,一站起來就暈。那時家人並不知道我做了什麼傻事。

康復之後兩個月,我又繼續減肥,又想不開。我買藥自殺,一百顆止痛藥溶入一瓶奶,我喝了半瓶,以為一睡就過去了。醒來後感到胃部非常不適,就向父母坦誠自己做了什麼。他們把我送到急症室洗胃,過程很痛苦,需要把一條細管從鼻孔中插入直到胃部,護士用了好一段時間才順利完成插管的工作,非常疼,還出血。在醫院住了好多天,醫生護士每當經過我的病床都發出歎息,想不到這麼年輕的女孩居然尋死。我還需要看心理醫生,但其實沒有多大的幫助,因為當時不知道自己真正想死的原因,醫生也沒辦法。

很快地我又陷入減肥的惡性循環——挨餓、情緒低落、暴食、體重增加、罪惡感、絕望、輕生。我曾經試過殺蟲水加可樂,還曾一晚吃下幾十顆家庭醫生開的治普通小病的藥,還喝過消毒藥水,但幸好都沒事。那時,我覺得每天活得很無趣,很痛苦,沒有希望。有自殺行為的時候,腦子裡總有一個聲音說:「死了就解脫了!”。後來,家人無意中發現我又有自殺傾向,就決定一家三口搬到外公家住,由五個大人日夜看守我。

減肥的毒癮一直殘害著我,有一次連續五天,我都沒有吃固體食物,只喝瘦身飲料。然後又暴食,又精神崩潰,決定離家出走到很遠的地方結束生命,不讓人有機會救我。我從學校逃出來,八個小時車程到了另一個城市,在小旅館住下,買了刀片,割脈自殺,所幸血很快乾了。隔天到醫院縫了幾針,聯絡家人帶我回家。失蹤的那段時間,不知家人有多著急,還報了警,這件事在學校轟動一時。沒有人知道這個一貫表現很好的學生怎麼突然成績一落千丈,經常缺課,甚至不參加考試。

我的家人除了以饒恕的愛來挽回我,就是不住地為我能回轉流淚禱告。他們特地邀請牧師來開導我,大家圍在我床邊同心為我能停止自殺的行為禱告。這樣幾次以後,我就再也沒有自殺的念頭了。但是減肥的毒癮還是不時發作,體重已經逼近六十公斤,不到一年胖了將近十公斤。那年最後一次嘗試減肥,為了試驗多吃減肥藥會不會瘦得更快,結果搞得上吐下瀉、發高燒,痛苦了好幾天。這次的教訓使我再也不敢減肥。大病一場後瘦了很多,再加上恢復正常飲食,體重也下降到正常水平。荒廢了一年的學習,從名列前茅退到全班第四十五名。為了減肥瘦身,這一年所付出的代價實在太大了,每天活在黑暗中,不可自拔。

那個時候,我的中學裡有一位基督徒印度籍老師,他特意探訪我的家人給他們鼓勵和安慰,而且還動員基督徒學生們為我能脫離自殺的捆綁禱告,他們會定時聚集為我代禱。家人在我極度悖逆的那一年沒有放棄我,依然愛我,忍耐地等我回頭,並確信主耶穌能救我。他們信心的禱告蒙垂聽,我暫時得救了。但我心裡沒有神的話紮根,更不知道耶穌是救主,沒有讓耶穌來管理我的生命,後來幾年又經歷了兩次叛逆期。直到我到英國留學期間真正信了耶穌,知道自己是罪人,承認過去所犯的罪,悔改歸向真神,才完全得釋放,有正確的價值觀。

我們都是天父的寶貝,神在我們一生中有美好的計畫,要回歸神才能找到生命的意義和價值。神帶領我完成了學業,之後又結婚生子。神教導我依靠祂來渡過每一個難關,凡事學習禱告交托。神又引領我和先生到澳洲生活,在位於悉尼的一間華人教會學習事奉祂和服事人,我們親眼看到祂在很多人的生命中奇妙的作為。

還記得在二零零四年的聖誕節,我在家鄉的教會晉光堂受洗。信主至今,親身體驗祂是又真又活、公義慈愛的神,只有祂的管教才能把我帶回正路。希望天下的父母曉得靠著上帝的恩典,挽回在罪惡中打滾的孩子,讓他們能夠靠著主耶穌的救恩,有新生命,重新開始,靠著耶穌不再偏離正路。

以下詩歌是我生命的寫照和將來的盼望:

當我在黑暗痛苦絕望中,有一曙光明照在我心,
祂是那稱為奇妙的救主,捨棄天上榮華為我降生,
祂又為我被釘在十字架,情願受苦洗淨我的罪,
我要唱奇妙主哈利路亞,從今後永不會再絕望。
祂仁慈善良的愛,領我衝破狂風巨浪,
主如一顆明亮的晨星,帶給我無限的希望。

救主耶穌基督被接升天,祂去原為我預備地方,
就必再來接我到祂父家,永遠與主同在到千萬年,
到那時再沒有痛苦悲傷,只有甜美快樂的笑容,
眾聖徒同集在明亮聖城,滿心歡頌讚美主大恩。
祂仁慈善良的愛,領我衝破狂風巨浪,
主如一顆明亮的晨星,帶給我無限的希望。

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豐盛的新生命

21 Jan

:: 播放音樂

當我還不認識耶穌時,任意行自己所喜悅的事,效法身邊年輕人的作爲。我喜歡開快車,以與別人賽車得勝爲樂。每當覺得心靈空虛時,我便出外找人賽車,在公路上簡直無法無天,不顧別人的安危。儘管出了幾次小車禍,多次刮花別人的車子,有一次還閙上警局,我都不怕,繼續當我的路霸。

我喜歡很晚以後和朋友出去喝茶聊天,不顧家人擔心。每到重要節日就跟同學參加瘋狂派對,玩到早晨四五點才回家,滿身滿頭的煙味。在派對中,親眼看到年輕人抽煙、酗酒、甚至嗑葯、亂搞男女關係,沉迷在短暫的歡樂中。

雖然我的生活在別人眼中看似多姿多彩,可是每當短暫的快樂消失後,我又回到空虛不滿中,因此想盡辦法企圖得到別人的認同和注意,花了很多時間、金錢來裝飾自己,甚至把學校和教會當成是展示自己的場所,借此得到滿足。不止如此,我每天泡在網絡世界中,以不同的身份和數不盡的陌生人聊天,或熬通宵講電話,在虛幻中創造完美的自己。在現實中,我卻是一個可以隨時對著父母破口大駡,完全不顧他們感受的不孝女。是一個輕視自己,非常自卑,中學時期多次想結束自己生命的女孩。

完成兩年高級文憑課程後,我遠赴英國牛津布魯克斯大學就讀本科最後一年。當時是外公和小舅舅陪同我一起到英國。他們最挂心的就是給我找教會。結果,無意中發現了“牛津華人教會”——牛津這個小城市中唯一的華人教會。我開始參加他們的週日崇拜、團契聚會。當初帶領我去團契的弟兄後來成了我的丈夫。

在團契中,我認識了主耶穌,真正了解原來這位創造掌管宇宙萬物、賜生命氣息的神,竟然降生爲人,爲我們的過犯而死,我們還能靠著耶穌得勝罪惡。想想都已經渡過了無數個聖誕節、受難日和復活節,卻不知道耶穌死在十字架上,三天後又復活了,到底與自己有什麽關係。也不曉得將來公平公義的神要來審判世上所有的人,按著他們所做所想,就連隱藏的,思想上的惡,都要擺在祂面前。想想看,有誰在神面前站立得住,有誰未曾在行爲或思想上違背公義!但祂也是慈愛的神,不願我們走向沉淪,與祂永遠隔絕,最終進入永火中。爲了救我們脫離罪惡和將來的憤怒,救主耶穌在十架上成爲我們的贖罪祭、挽回祭,使信祂的人得救,與神和好,成爲神的兒女,享有豐盛的新生命,一生有神的帶領和保守。祂的復活表明祂已戰勝了死亡和罪的權勢,我們不再懼怕!

真正認罪悔改,是在2003年的5月。當時心靈上承受極大的傷痛,在最難過的那一刻,我所行的惡好像一部電影一樣,一幕幕地出現在腦海中。那時我想的竟然不是得罪我的人有多可惡,而是我以前的所作所爲是如何傷了家人的心,如何得罪神。我獨自在宿舍房間裡痛哭流涕,跪下禱告向神認罪。接著,就撥長途電話回家,向家人認錯,請求他們原諒。

從那次的經歷以後,我感覺自己開始有了轉變。尤其是在放假回家時,家人都很驚訝我和以前大有不同了,便知道神應允了他們的祷告!我開始渴望參加每一個聚會——團契、禱告會、小組查經、崇拜、佈道會等等。以前無論是誰怎麽邀請我,我都不願參與任何聚會,只是習慣性地跟著家人每週参加主日崇拜,聼了講道,也完全不明白聖經的教導與我何干。

漸漸地,我不再喜好賽車,不再不顧健康地通宵熬夜看電視劇、不再沉迷於上網聊天、不再早出晚歸、不再參加不正經的派對、不再盲目減肥、不再瘋狂購物、不再對家人無禮,已不再貪戀以前種種惡行。這就是發生在我身上的神跡,是耶穌基督改變了我!透過聖經,我明白單憑信心邀請耶穌進入我們的生命,祂就賜我們權柄有能力得勝罪惡,並有聖靈隨時引導我們如何正確地使用神所賜的自由意志,去做對的選擇,走正確的路。

通過聚会、讀經、禱告、事奉和學習過討神喜悅的生活、學習愛人,我的靈命漸漸成長,感到滿足快樂;當我不順服神,不肯放下心中的疑惑和惱怒時,可惡的撒旦魔鬼就來攻擊我,使我陷入失望和沮喪。直到我重新回到神的面前悔改認罪時,才得著釋放、重新得力。無論在舊約或新約中,我都深深體會這位慈愛的天父顧念願意謙卑自己,認罪悔改,與祂和好的人。

我也漸漸明白很多時候我們失去平安,是為自己的不義受苦或不願將艱難痛苦交托給神,卻依靠有罪、有限的自己去尋找出路。結果,不但得不着益處,反而破壞人與人之間的關係,自己、他人都受到傷害。若我們是為著神所喜悅的事——愛神並愛人如己,那心裡必有從神而來的平安喜樂。藉著耶穌十字架上的犧牲,我們在世有神的祝福及得救的保證,將來有永恒美好的家鄉,神要擦去我們一切的眼淚,永享安息!

2004年聖誕節那天,我在家鄉的教會中,在家人朋友的見證下,接受救主耶穌成爲我生命的主宰,願意一生跟隨祂。六天後,我和那位弟兄在家鄉的教會中,在神和家人的見證下,立約成爲夫婦。後來神帶領我們到了澳洲悉尼,又預備我讀兩年的碩士課程,開始了另一個留學生活。在那兩年中,我在學習、教會事奉、夫妻相處中,親身經歷了神的愛、恩典及保守。並深深體會以下這首詩歌所帶出的信息:

在壓力中仍能平靜,在忙碌中仍能悠閑,
在失敗中仍能歡笑,在逼迫中仍能屹立,
上帝的兒女何等有福。

在絕望中仍有盼望,在冷漠中仍有關懷,
在困境中仍有出路,在死亡中仍有生命,
上帝的兒女何等有福。


“原來,神的忿怒,從天上顯明在一切不虔不義的人身上,就是那些行不義阻擋真理的人。神的事情,人所能知道的,原顯明在人心裡,因為神已經給他們顯明。自從造天地以來,神的永能和神性是明明可知的,雖是眼不能見,但藉著所造之物就可以曉得,叫人無可推諉。因為他們雖然知道神,卻不當作神榮耀他,也不感謝他。他們的思念變為虛妄,無知的心就昏暗了。自稱為聰明,反成了愚拙;將不能朽壞之神的榮耀變為偶像,彷彿必朽壞的人和飛禽、走獸、昆蟲的樣式。所以,神任憑他們逞著心裡的情慾行污穢的事,以致彼此玷辱自己的身體。他們將神的真實變為虛謊,去敬拜事奉受造之物,不敬奉那造物的主。因此,神任憑他們放縱可羞恥的情慾。他們的女人把順性的用處變為逆性的用處;男人也是如此,棄了女人順性的用處,慾火攻心,彼此貪戀,男和男行可羞恥的事,就在自己身上受這妄為當得的報應。他們既然故意不認識神,神就任憑他們存邪僻的心,行那些不合理的事;裝滿了各樣不義、邪惡、貪婪、惡毒,滿心是嫉妒、兇殺、爭競、詭詐、毒恨,又是讒毀的、背後說人的、怨恨神的、侮慢人的、狂傲的、自誇的、捏造惡事的、違背父母的、無知的、背約的、無親情的、不憐憫人的。他們雖知道神判定行這樣事的人是當死的,然而他們不但自己去行,還喜歡別人去行。”(聖經新約,羅馬書1章18-32)

“我們既因信稱義,就藉著我們的主耶穌基督得與神相和。我們又藉著他,因信得進入現在所站的這恩典中,並且歡歡喜喜盼望神的榮耀。不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐,忍耐生老練,老練生盼望;盼望不至於羞恥。因為所賜給我們的聖靈將神的愛澆灌在我們心裡。因我們還軟弱的時候,基督就按所定的日期為罪人死。為義人死,是少有的;為仁人死,或者有敢作的;惟有基督在我們還作罪人的時候為我們死,神的愛就在此向我們顯明了。現在我們既靠著他的血稱義,就更要藉著他免去神的忿怒。”(聖經新約,羅馬書5章1-9)

Edge of Death

5 May

:: Play Music

The adage “To seek beauty is a woman’s instinct” has led me through an endless abyss of pain.

When I was 15, my mind had been deeply influenced by the TV shows, movies, entertainment magazines and fashion trends I had been exposed to; I wrongly believed that being tall and slim was the only aesthetic standard. In fact, I had been an athlete who maintained a healthy weight. Because of these wrong values, I ignored my height and frame and blindly pursued a continual quest to reduce my weight. I was obsessed. My moods fluctuated with my weight daily.

Like so many before me, I chose the worst and most ineffective way to lose weight – trying not to eat anything! In fact, with continuous lack of adequate nutrition, the body accumulates fat causing weight gain. Lack of proper nutrition also seriously affects the whole body, bringing more ill health. This includes pre-mature aging, memory loss, bulimia, anorexia, stomach/gastric problems, infertility, depression and so on. I also completely abandoned the basic health principles my primary school teacher had ingrained in us: “Early to bed and early to rise, take a good breakfast, a full lunch, a moderate dinner, balanced, nutrients, six to eight glasses of water, not neglecting to exercise and take good care of your mood.”

Young and foolish as I was then, I sank deeper and deeper into the pit. I was frequently in hunger and my mood was depressed. That year I had to cope with the added study load in preparing for my PMR examinations. The results of that examination would decide whether I could enter the Science stream. Gradually, I found myself unable to concentrate on my studies as I was always sleepy. I did not know then that all these were due to my improper strategy of weight reduction. With the torture of the stress and prolonged starvation, I suffered bulimia. Whenever I was emotionally disturbed, I would eat. I put on weight instead. I was frustrated and lost.

I felt that my parents never cared about me. They were seldom at home and very often I was left home alone. I felt so alone and uncherished. I had started to wear glasses when I was in Primary Three and I have natural curly hair. My schoolmates used to make fun of me for being so ugly. All these made me feel very inferior. The impact of improper and unsuccessful weight reduction, stress from study, coupled with the inferiority complex, gave rise to the start of suicidal thoughts in me.

One day, after a dispute with my parents, I took a bottle of pills and swallowed them. I slept. During the middle of the night I felt extremely uncomfortable and I had no choice but to call my parents for help. I felt hot and cold, trembling, and later lost consciousness. My family rushed me to the hospital emergency. I remember I could faintly hear my family members calling me as they tried all ways to wake me up. I still felt giddy and could not walk steadily after discharge a few days later.

Two months after recovery, I continued to lose weight. However, it was not long before suicidal thoughts returned. I bought 100 tablets of a painkiller, dissolved them in a bottle of milk and drank half of the bottle, thinking that everything would be over after a sleep. But, I woke up with severe stomach cramps instead. I frankly confessed my deed to my parents. They took me to the emergency room for gastric lavage. It was painful as the tube was inserted through my nose into the stomach. The nurse took some time for the painful procedure which was traumatic and resulted in bleeding. I was in the hospital for several days this time. The doctors and nurses only had sighs as they saw me, wondering why a girl at such a young age would want to end her life. I was referred to see a psychiatrist but it did not help much.

I quickly fell into a vicious cycle of weight loss – hunger, depression, overeating, weight gain, guilt, despair and suicidal thoughts and actions. I have tried insecticide mixed with cola, a handful of leftover medicine given by our family doctor, and drank disinfectant. Fortunately, nothing happened. I was thinking of all ways to end my life; living in this world was meaningless, painful and hopeless. Because of my suicidal tendencies, my parents decided to move in and live with my grandparents. There were five adults guarding me then!

My obsession with weight loss continued to cripple me. At one time, I did not take any solid food and lived only on weight-reduction drinks. My bulimia returned and I suffered a nervous breakdown. I decided to leave for a faraway place to end my life so that nobody could have any chance to save me. That day, I escaped from school, took an eight hour journey by bus to another town. I bought a blade, checked into a hotel and cut my wrist. Fortunately, the bleeding stopped after a while. I had my wound stitched in the hospital the next day. I contacted my family to take me home. I could not imagine how anxious they must have been during the period I was missing. They had even lodged a missing person’s report with the police. It also caused a stir in my school. No one could understand why such a good performer had suddenly dropped so drastically in her studies, frequently missing classes and even to the point of skipping examinations.

Besides forgiving me and receiving me with love when I returned, my family also prayed unceasingly in tears for me. They arranged a pastor to counsel me. From that point on the thought of committing suicide has never returned. However, my obsession still came back to haunt me from time to time. Within one year I put on 10 Kg and my weight nearly reached 60 Kg. That year saw my last attempt to lose weight. I had tried to take diet pills to slim down faster. Instead, I ended up with d iarrhoea, high fever and body pain for several days. I did not dare to attempt to reduce weight again after such an experience. However, I lost a lot of weight after that. Later my appetite returned and my weight also returned to normal. I had wasted a year of study and my position dropped from top to the bottom of the class. The cost of wasting one year for the sake of weight loss was really far too great. I lived in darkness everyday, and I was helpless.

I thank God for my loving family and their faithful prayers. I was safe. However, God’s words had not taken root in my heart and I did not know that Jesus is the Saviour. I had not invited Jesus to be the Master of my life. I went through two more rebellious periods during the subsequent years. I truly believed in Jesus when I was studying overseas. I confessed that I was a sinner and repented unto God. I was freed completely, living on correct life values.

We are precious to our heavenly Father and God has a plan for our lives. We need to return to God in order to find the true meaning and right values of our lives. God led me to complete my studies and later to marry the man He had chosen for me. He taught me to rely on him to clear every storm of my life. I had learnt how to entrust my everything to Him in prayer. After seven years, I have personally experienced Him as a true and living God, full of justice and mercy. He always brings me back to the right path through His discipline.

I wish that all parents knew how to rely on God’s grace to restore their children from wallowing in sin so that they can also rely on Jesus’ salvation to start life anew on the right path.

The following poem is a reflection of my life and my future hope:

In my despair and pain, a dawning light shines on my heart,
He is my Wonderful Savior who forsook heavenly glory to come to earth,
He faced crucifixion on the cross, willingly to suffer to cleanse me from my sin,
I want to sing Hallelujah to my Wonderful Lord, never again will I despair.
His merciful love of goodness, leads me through stormy waves,
He is the bright Morning Star, bringing me endless hope.

Savior Jesus Christ ascended into heaven, to prepare a place for me,
He will come again and take me home, to be with the Lord for eternity,
There will be no pain nor sadness, only smiles of joy,
All the saints will gather at the bright Holy City, wholeheartedly praise His grace.
His merciful love of goodness, leads me through stormy waves,
He is the bright Morning Star, bringing me endless hope.

Abundance in My New Life

5 Apr

:: Play Music

Before I came to know the Lord Jesus, I had no self control during my youth, but yielded to peer-pressure.  I liked street racing and the thrill of winning races.  Whenever I felt bored and empty, I would ask my friends for a street race.  As I did not abide to traffic law, I simply did not care of other people’s safety.  Although I had a few car accidents, had scratched other cars, and even had been reported to the police station, these did not stop my ego of unsafe driving.

I enjoyed late night gatherings with my friends after supper despite my whole family’s worries about my safety at late night.  Whenever a major festival came, I joined and stayed at wild parties until 4 or 5 in the morning and came home with a pungent smell of cigarette.  In the parties, I watched my friends smoke heavily, get drunk, and have short-term affairs with partners.

People often believed that my life was filled with excitement; but such excitement disappeared quickly again and I felt empty and lonesome as soon as I retuned home.  Trying to get rid of such unpleasant feelings, I seek people’s attention by spending time and money to beautify myself.  I made use of school and church as a place to show off myself and my accomplishments.  Not only that, I used the internet to make friends.  I could talk overnight to strangers on phone or through internet and had the illusion that I was living in a perfect world.  In reality, my parents harshly scolded me about my bad behaviours and were ready to disown me as their only daughter.  My well-being was not my priority; yet I was overwhelmed with self-pity.  As a result, I had attempted to commit suicide a few times.  My life was helpless trapped in the darkness.

After a two-year post-graduate studies in my home country, I completed my degree overseas at Oxford Brooks University, England for a year.  In the beginning of the journey, my grandpa and uncle accompanied me to go to England.  Their main concern was my church life in England.  They came across the Oxford Chinese Church, which was the only Chinese in the city of Oxford.  I began to attend their Sunday worships and fellowships.  The Christian brother who initially led me to the church gatherings in Oxford later became my husband.

I came to know the Lord Jesus in the fellowship. I then realized that the Creator of the Universe, who gives lives to all living things, had descended, became a human being and died for our sins.  Through the blood of Jesus Christ, I was able to conquer my sins.  Numerous Christmases, New Years, Good Fridays and Easters had gone by; yet I did not even know that Jesus Christ was crucified on the cross for our sins and he was risen after three days.  What did Jesus mean to me?  I didn’t even know the fact that the righteous God will put judge all non-believers, according to their evil thoughts and their wrong doings.  Therefore no one could stand before God in the judgment.  But our merciful God does not want to condemn our transgression which will lead to eternal death punishment.  We would be separated from God forever and be thrown into the eternal fire.  God’s holy wrath is appeased by the crucification of our Saviour Jesus; so that all believers in Christ have been “justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God set forth as a propitiation by His blood, through faith, to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His forbearance God had passed over the sins that were previously committed.” (Romans 3:24-25)  Therefore those who believe will be saved and reconcile with God.  God would provide the guidance throughout our lives since we are children of God.  In Him, we will have abundance in our new lives.  His resurrection demonstrates the conquering of death and the victory over sins.  We do not need to fear anymore.

My true repentance to the Lord was in May of 2003 when I was greatly distressed.  Whenever I thought of the darkest moments of my life, it seemed like going through a movie with each scene displacing to me.  I had sinned against God by being disobedient and hurtful to other people.  The worst burden of my sin was recalling the hurts of my own parents and the rest of my family.  Once I thought of that, I went to my own room and painfully cried.  I kneeled down before God and prayed for forgiveness.  After that, I made a long distance telephone call back home to say sorry for my disobedience and asked for their forgiveness.

This experience had completely changed me.  During the time I returned home for holiday, my family was astonished about the change in me. Their prayers for me have been answered!  I began to enthusiastically attend church functions, such as fellowships, prayer meetings, cell groups, worships, evangelical meetings, etc.  Before then, I was hardly moved by any church function invitation.  Customarily I followed my family to Sunday worships.  However, the sermons and the biblical teaching had no effect on me.

Gradually the thrills of car racing, watching overnight movies, internet chatting, late night events, wild parties, unjustified weigh loss, crazy shopping, disrespecting to my family and any of my interests which were not pleasing God disappeared from me.  This happened to me just a miracle since Jesus had changed me.  By reading the Bible, I understood that I had invited Jesus into my life as my saviour by faith.  Jesus provides the power to me to overcome temptation and sin.  The Holly Spirit leads my choice to the right path.

Having the church gatherings, Bible studies, prayers, and my serving at church to experience my new life in Christ, my spirituality was growing with fulfillment and happiness.   Whenever I disobeyed God and did not let go of my doubt and anger, Satan would take the opportunity to attack me, putting me in the miserable and hopeless conditions.  I must repent to God.  With His forgiveness, I was released and regained the strength in God.  Both the Old and New Testaments tell me that my God is a merciful god.   He would forgive those who are humble, repent before Him and are willing to reconcile with Him.

I’ve come to realize that we have lost our peace due to our habit of unrighteousness and the pride in not allowing God to handle our difficulties.  We just let our own sinful nature to handle the problems.  As a result, we could not solve the problem, rather damaging the relationship with other people, hurting both ourselves and others.  If we please God and love others as God love us, we will have the peace and joy from God.  Moreover, God’s blessing and assured salvation will be restored on us.  We will live in our heavenly home where there is no tear, but everlasting peace.

On the Christmas Day of 2004, I was baptized in my hometown church.  A week later, I then got married to the brother who led me to the church in Oxford, England.  The wedding ceremony was held in my hometown before God and my family.  After our wedding, the Lord led us to Sydney, Australia, where I began another overseas study for two years to complete another master degree.  So I began another overseas study.  During these years, I experienced God’s love, grace and care through the study, workplace, serving the Lord at church, and our marriage.  From my experience, I would like to share with you the following song:

When I am under pressure, I make it peacefully;
When I am busy in my work, I pass it restfully;
When I fail in my life, I pass it with laughter;
When I face harassment, I treat it with steadfasting;
Children of God How Blessed You Are?

When I am despaired, I have hope to live for;
When I am lonely, I have someone to care;
When I am in difficult, I have guidance to lead me;
When I die in sin, I have a new life to live for.
Children of God How Blessed You Are?

May you also receive these abundant blessings!